Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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