my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
