every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
