I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
