I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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