I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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