I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
