Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
