and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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