Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
