I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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