i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
