So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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