Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
