I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
