He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
