I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
