No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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