News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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