oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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