Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
