what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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