Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
