I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm like, not good at living.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
