He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
