So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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