How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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