Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
