My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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