What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
