KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
