Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
