If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
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Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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