Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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