Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
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Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.