I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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