apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
