every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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