The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
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just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
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Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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