The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
