sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
