You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
