She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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