they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
50% drunk capacity currently
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
