My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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