Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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