I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
