You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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