nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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