i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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