Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
