can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
