She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
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