im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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