i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I need a beard to bite.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
