Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
