So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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