Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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