if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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